The James & Amber Show...

Life After 9/11, A Personal Essay

2011-07-12T12:14:00.000-07:00

I wrote this for my Global Perspectives Class. I was limited on space and didn't want to get too personal so take it for what it is.

Sitting at The Broken Yoke in Pacific Beach for a welcome aboard breakfast. My husband had just been assigned to the Pediatric Clinic at Naval Medical Center San Diego for the remainder of his tour. I was going into work a little late so I could join him at the breakfast. When we walked in the radio was playing.

Not long after we were seated we heard the DJ announce that a plane had just crashed into one of the towers of the World Trade Center in New York City. Some of us laughed. It seemed absurd; who would crash into such a large building? It had to be a small plane, maybe a Cessna, and an armature pilot. We continued with the celebration. Some of the sailors were being presented with awards.

Half way through the meal, the DJ had begun to talk about what was happening in New York again. A second plane had crashed into the other tower and we now knew that they were not small, they were airliners, filled with passengers. There was a sudden sense of urgency. Most of the people at the table now knew that we were under some kind of attack. All of the sailors rushed to pay the bill and get to base. We didn't know if there would be more attacks and if there were we knew they needed to be at work and ready.

I went to work that day not knowing what the future would hold. The towers fell shortly after I got there and we all watched it on TV. Surreal. The world had changed forever and it felt as if the whole country was watching it in silence.
American flags went up on buildings across the country. Congress sang God Bless America on the steps of the capitol building. The President climbed through the rubble at Ground Zero shaking hands with rescue workers and people were being kind to each other, helping each other and saying hello more often. In the months after the attack Americans came together, we were united for the first time in my living memory.

By the time President Bush was discussing the Iraq invasion my husband had picked his next set of orders. We were planning our wedding and would be headed to Naples, Italy in the next few months. Even though we were about to make a huge change, going on a three year European adventure, my husband felt the need to volunteer to go to Iraq with the Marines. He is a field Corpsman and trained to fight with and care for Marines. I was mortified. The man I love and was marrying might be going off to fight in a war thousands of miles away. To my great relief, and his distress, his command told him the orders to Italy could not be broken, the Department of Defense held them not the Navy. Another Corpsman would have to go and we were still headed out on our European adventure.

We watched the statue of Sadam Hussen pulled down the morning we flew to Italy. And when President Bush announced that the war was over I watched from a hotel room on a small base in a farm town outside of Naples, Italy. The world seemed like a very dangerous place. I understood now that there were people out there trying to kill Americans just for being American. Osama Bin Laden was a household name and something had changed in me. For the first time since I was a Brownie Girl Scout, I felt really patriotic. A combination of living in a community of service members and becoming aware of what my country stands for on a real level had affected me tremendously.

When our tour in Italy was over and we moved back to San Diego my husband was stationed with the Marines and would be going to Iraq not long after we got home. I knew this would eventually happen if he stayed in the military. We had been lucky; in almost four years we had never been separated for more than a month at a time. I was just glad I would be home and would have the support of my family while he was away.

Like so many military members who have served in Iraq and Afghanistan my husband witnessed the death of his friend, the youngest Corpsman with his team, the severe injury of one of his Marines and countless injuries to Iraqis. He carried guilt when he could not stave off death, knowing he was there to keep his Marines safe. While still in country his behavior changed. Because he was the lead Corpsman and responsible for spotting symptoms of head injury and combat stress in those he cared for there was no one to spot those same signs in him; no one knew. We would learn almost a year later that my husband had experienced a Traumatic Brain Injury and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

My husband returned changed. I felt like we had lost our strong connection. We fought often and he became angry to the point that I was afraid of him. It seemed like the littlest things would set him off. I was sure we were headed for divorce and I could not figure out why. One night everything became clear. My husband lost it in a parking lot. He was frightened of something I could not see. He was panicking and I could not do anything about it. I was able to get him in the car and calmed down after what seemed like hours. Only minutes had passed. He promised me later that night that he would ask for help at work on Monday.

Over the next year and a half my husband was diagnosed with a brain injury, underwent brain surgery and began to work towards recovery and what the doctors call "his new normal". It was the PTSD that was more difficult. He was getting help but there is no pill or surgery to fix it. In fact there is nothing that can truly fix it. PTSD is something that he will live with for the rest of his life. It is something I will live with for the rest of my life. There is fear and anxiety. Constant vigilance eased by a service dog. He still can't sleep even five years later.

Simply put, September 11, 2001 was a turning point in my life. At the time I could not have even guessed how my reality would be changed, how my relationship with my husband would change and how his relationship with our family and friends would change. I could never have guessed the amount of strength and understanding I would need to keep us both together. The physical injury he suffered and my description of PTSD will never do justice to the amount of change we have seen in the almost ten years since the United States of America was attacked. I know that there are countless other families in countries across the globe who will continue to deal with the changes in their lives for many years to come as well. Some with little or no help at all.

In the United States, we as citizens and residents, have begun to give up rights in exchange for promises of protection. Laws, including the Patriot Act, have been enacted by congress allowing law enforcement access to record conversations, hack into email accounts and search without a warrant (www.justice.gov). We have submitted to increasingly invasive body searches and restrictions in exchange for being allowed to travel by air. Our government has attempted to wipe out terrorists in far away countries while we go on with our lives, forgetting that there are thousands of Americans fighting every day.

The people of the United States of American have changed. We have allowed our freedoms to be slowly stripped away and are increasingly passive about demanding accountability from our leaders. We are willing to accept the illusion of safety rather than making changes to actually keep us safe. Our leaders are giving up on two wars that have taken the lives of 6,117 Americans as of July 8, 2011 (www.defense.gov), and the lives of military members from Iraqi, Afghani, British, 19 other coalition countries (www.centcom.mil) and countless civilians. The world is still fighting a war that I believe is being ignored by media and in society, at least in this country.

Having lived overseas for the first three years of the Operation Iraqi Freedom gave me a unique opportunity to learn what people from countries all over the world thought of the United States and of Americans. There was a time when Americans were welcomed in countries around the world. Today our country is seen as an international bully and the people are sheep being deceived by their leaders. I met people who believed that there was no way an educated person would believe that the war in the middle east was about terror and not about oil. There were people who were sure we brought the events of September 11th upon ourselves with our penchant for getting involved where we are not wanted. Americans are now pitied for being lead into false wars by those who want to control the oil in the middle east.
Aside from the opinions of people from around the world the relationship of the government of the United States of American has been changing since the events of September 11th. Our leaders have ignored the international community and taken action in clandestine countries independent of the United Nations. There has been increasing backlash in recent years from countries that have traditionally been considered allies of the United States.

The world will never be the same. We have lost a collective innocents, in the western world. We cannot go back to the time when people only hijacked planes for money and the worst thing an American would encounter on a trip to Europe was a pick pocket. There are real, quantifiable threats in the world and we now know they are out there. The question is how do we handle them, how will we find a "new normal" as a society?

The New Adventures of James and Amber

2010-12-15T21:19:00.000-08:00

So its been a while... James and I have both experienced unemployment and reemployment in the past year or so. Ho-ray! well sort of. I now have a job that I am excited about and James is going to college. It isn't much but I feel like we might be on the right track for the first time in a while.

Here's to a great 2011. I can't wait to see what the new year brings.

Healthcare

2010-02-10T12:37:00.000-08:00

I know we are all talking about healthcare. I had a thought today while eating lunch with a co-worker. Why, oh why are our lawmakers trying to change the whole healthcare system all at once? Wouldn't it be better to fix one problem at a time? Maybe we should just focus on helping those who are so called un-insurable. Make healthcare available to everyone. And when I say available I mean make it possible for them or their employer to purchase. We also need to encourage those who are insurable to purchase insurance.

Once everyone can get coverage we can move on to making the insurance that people have work better. Meaning that the care people need is covered without bankrupting the patient's family. I don't know exactly how to do this, I am not an expert in insurance payments or healthcare. My common sense tells me that there are experts out there, patients, insurance billing specialists, hospital administrators and doctors with relevant experiences. It seems like we are relying on our lawmakers to solve this problem but they are not experts nor are their aids. I believe they are probably asking for help but only ceremoniously. There has to be a way for these experts to come together in a meaningful way to help solve this problem.

Now that everyone can get coverage and it is taking care of the needs of patients we can work on getting the country healthier. I'm talking preventative maintenance. We do it for our cars why not our bodies. Lets reward people for going to their physicals, having their teeth cleaned, going to the gym and eating right. We should also give people the tools to do this, access to information on good nutrition, good exercise habits and what is expected of them as patients.

We as Americans also need to take some personal responsibility in our own healthcare. The information is out there, we just need to go and find it. We need to ask questions of our doctors and do a little research. Make a commitment to eat veggies and take vitamins and exercise, even if it is just taking the dog for a walk. This is fixable. We just need to take it one step at a time.

What do you think?

New Year

2010-02-04T20:20:00.000-08:00

So the new year brought a new job. I like it and hope it will become a permanent position soon. I also started running. I don't like it but I also hope it will become a permanent event in my days. I do like the way I feel and that I am sleeping really well. I also love my new iPhone holder too. James is working really hard to find a great new job.

I'm also very excited because my very good friend Andrea married our other good friends Jeremy last month. I can't wait for the reception. The new year has started out well and we are hoping that it will only get better.

James Is Home :)

2009-05-18T13:50:00.000-07:00

I flew out to meet James in Napa this weekend and then we drove home to San Diego. He decided it was time to come home and felt he could make better progress here.

We are both ready to start planning for our future for the first time in a while. And I'm glad to have him home. Now we can share our summer adventures rather than just filling each other in each night.

What Owen Has Been Doing while Leo is Away

2009-05-05T09:48:00.000-07:00

For those of you who know Owen, our Basset Hound, this will probably be no surprise. Owen has made some new friends while James and Leo are away. In this photo you will see Owen, Mya (that's the pit bull he has mounted) and Ollie. Ollie is a Boggle, half Beagle half Boston Terror. While at Andrea & Jeremy's housewarming party the dogs would chase each other around the yard... take turns being chased and playing games. The funny part is here you can see Owen has mounted Mya but that was usually not the end of it. Every time this happened Ollie would climb right behind Owen... Well you can imagine the laughs they were getting from the party guests. Dinner and a show! I tried a few times to get a picture of the three of them but this was the closest I got.
Its a good thing dogs can't look at the Internet; I think Owen might be either really embarrassed or really proud, not sure which.

A Birthday in Napa

2009-04-29T16:07:00.000-07:00

I went up to meet James in Napa - Yountville to be exact - this weekend. It was my birthday and what better way to spend it than with my husband. I flew to San Francisco with Leo (the bulldog). What I trip. We have flown with Leo before but it is different doing it alone. I think I know what a parent traveling with a young child feels like now. There is a lot of stuff to cart around, a lot of this and that to take off and put on. Security was tons of fun. Mostly it was smooth, we even got to sit in the front row so Leo had more room.

I got up there on Friday and promptly took a nap. (I know its funny, I went to Napa and took a nap... haha. Thank you Uncle Sean) I had just come off of two straight weeks at work, traveling to New Jersey and back, working three full days at a trade show and then working the second week. I was totally on auto pilot the whole week before I went to Napa.

We ate some great food in Napa. The first night we went to Bottega (www.botteganapavalley.com) where James said he had the best food he's had since leaving Italy. Mine was wonderful too and the chocolate souffle was, well lets just say, oooohhhh. On Saturday we went to the Napa Grill (www.napavalleygrille.com). The dessert there was out of this world. It was a take on a snickers bar, chocolate mouse with nuts and caramel and some butter cream - yum. I was surprised when I looked them up online to find that they also have a location here in San Diego!

Surprise, surprise there was also some good wine over the weekend! My favorite was a sparkling wine from Mumm Napa (www.mummnapa.com). James and I both love sparkling reds from Italy, known as Frizzante in the Calabria region but they are all but impossible to find in the states. They are tart and frutie with just enough sweetness. Well, I finally found a few that compare. I can't wait to get the bottles in the mail.

We visited a few wineries, Mumm, Beringer (www.beringer.com), which has a lot of history and has been producing since before prohibition and right through, and another that had a reserve room where the owner displays his extensive collection of photography including Ansel Adams! It was a lot of fun. We were escorted by a very helpful woman named Sally who works at the Yountville Visitors Center and who spends a lot of time keeping of some of the Veterans who live at the Vets Home in Yountville company. She got us some great discounts too!

As James says we "Chillaxed" on Sunday just sat around a lot with his "Old Guys". Yes James calls them "His Old Guys". They are a group of mostly Viet Nam era vets who sit around near the little lunch counter scratching lottery tickets, drinking beer and smoking. They have a lot of stories but mostly talk about nothing in particular. I got to know most of them over the weekend. They are all good company for James and Leo.

All in all it was a low key birthday but a good one. And a big Thank You to Andrea and Jeremy for taking care of Owen! I did miss him while I was gone.

James & His Scooter

2009-03-10T13:10:00.000-07:00

James Got a Scooter... It is a Honda Ruckus. It is really very funny to see him scooting all around town. He loves it, it gets 107 miles per gallon!! Can you believe 107 mpg? Well I'll have to take a pic of him on it. He has added a black milk crate behind the seat and some mesh to fill in the space under the seat so that he has some storage. He is now very happy to go to the store almost any time I ask!
Just though you might like to know. I'll really have to post a pic of him on it with his riding jacket, helmet and bright orange vest.

Its been a while.

2009-01-26T11:58:00.000-08:00

I thought it might be a good time to update the blog.
James is doing a lot better... in the words of one of our great friends; "He has improved SO MUCH!... He has gone from here to here (imagine her stretching her hands as far apart as possible). Needless to say, he is doing a lot better. I think he feels better most days but he still has a lot of back & neck pain.

Lets see... Me, I'm doing OK. I've started working with people outside of my 8-5 job on graphics, newsletters and getting Government Contracts. I have two clients and am making an extra $50 each month from one and am trading my time for a new computer with the other! Its really kind of cool. Who knows, maybe a new road ahead for me.

James and I are both still waiting for the results of the medical board in Washington DC to decide how disabled he is so we know what kind of package he is going to get for his medical retirement. Its hard to make plans until we know how much we are going to be able to count on each month from the Department of Defense. Once we know though we will look at going to school. Both of us. I want to finish my BA and he would be getting started with an AA at first. I really can't wait to get going with this and to start the next chapter of our lives, we just have to wait for now.

He started making beer lately and has been really enjoying it. We have already been able to sample some of them and they are good. I think they will only get better the more he makes and as he grows some patience and lets them age. :)

The puppies are doing great. They are trouble makers as usual but nothing compared to our new nephew puppy, Gus. (Rachael & Matt's new Lab puppy.) He is too cute but a ball of energy and my three year old's are just not built to keep up with someone with twice the length in legs and easily triple the energy. I'm sure they will all have more fun together once Gus grows up a little.

So all in all we are doing fine. Nothing too exciting yet but there are great things to come. :)

Still Doing Well

2008-08-15T17:09:00.000-07:00

I've been gone on a business trip in Florida. It went really well.
While I was gone James stayed with mom and dad. He had his stitches out today and the scar is still swollen but is looking good. He will be following up with the Nero surgeon later this month.
:)

Dog Park Day

2008-08-07T21:38:00.000-07:00

We had a good day. Went to the dog park in balboa park and had fun. We met a little frenchie who only had one eye. He was very cute though.
Still doing well.

Still doing great

2008-08-06T22:07:00.000-07:00

Today my aunt came down from orange county to see James and my grandma. We had lunch with Rachael and had our toe nails done. It was fun.

James is getting a little cabin fever and I think he is really tired of mom and I reminding him to take it easy. We'll get used to how quickly he recovers soon. :)

First Day Home

2008-08-05T20:38:00.000-07:00

James slept and slept. I finally woke him up around noon so that he would sleep tonight. He wasn't really sleeping at the hospital so I think he had some catching up to do. My parents came home today from San Francisco where they celebrated their 29th wedding anniversary. I made chicken tacos (mom helped with the chicken) and Jeff & Dina & Rachael came over. It was nice.

When James and I were in the grocery store there was a kid who was probably eight. He asked James what happened to his head (he is not wearing a bandage over the stitches that start below his color and go most of the way up his head). James told him that he had hurt his head and the doctor had to fix it. The kid then said... that creepy. :b James laughed.

Other than that it was really an uneventful day.

Home Already!

2008-08-04T21:20:00.000-07:00

So around 6 tonight the surgeon came in doing rounds with all of his residents. We were just on our way up from the "walk" we went on and he said, "now there's a guy who looks like he shouldn't be in the hospital any more." Then when he came in to see James he asked if he wanted to go home tonight or wait until tomorrow. So he came home. We got here about a half hour ago.
Owen was very happy to see him and I think Leo is very happy to not be working any more. Leo was getting very bored at the hospital, even though there were all kinds of people who were petting and cooing over him.
So, we are at my mom's house and the plan for now is that we will stay here until I get back from the conference I'm going to in Florida. Everyone at the hospital was very surprised. Its really great!

Leo - The high blood pressure cure!

2008-08-03T20:39:00.000-07:00

James has had high blood pressure from the pain. I brought Leo (his bulldog/service dog) to the hospital today and ever since he has been here James' blood pressure has been lower, and closer to normal. It's really cool!

We have been really impressed with all the corpsman, they are usually on top of the things they are in charge of. Unfortunately the nursing staff has been difficult. James feels like he has to stay on top of his pain medication because they don't bring it in when it is time. Really, that is the hardest thing.

He is also having a hard time sleeping because the neck muscles are sore and he has a very hard time getting comfortable. It will get better as he heals.

Jim & Margaret (my brother in law's parents) came in to see us today. It was very nice to see them. We also go to see Randy McHaffey (a friend of James from the wounded warrior btn.) and Aqua. (another friend from Italy who now works here at the hospital.

We'll be back tomorrow. James is still receiving morphine so we expect to be here until at least Tuesday. Thank you again for everything!

Miracle Kid

2008-08-03T10:01:00.000-07:00

Talked to the surgeon this morning he is saying that James is a Miracle Kid! Even he is very surprised at how well James is doing. :)

Its going well.

2008-08-02T22:34:00.000-07:00

James took a few walks today. He is doing really well. we had a lot of visitors.
Rachael (my sister) , Memere & Granddad (grandparents), Jeff & Dina (family friends), Andrea (our friend), Cinci (my friend) and Ray Ray (one of our friends from Italy!). Oh and Rachael came back with Matt (her hubby) and they brought dinner with them; Thanks Guys.

It was really great to see everyone. It really makes the day go by faster to have visitors. He is still doing well, I don't think he will be out of the hospital until at the soonest Monday but even that is probably optimistic. He has Internet access but can't get on his email because the Navy blocks a lot of online email. So if you want to say hi please post a comment. If you don't want to subscribe just leave an antonymous one, but don't forget to sign your name so we know who you are.

We read all the comments that have already been left so far and it is really encouraging to James and I to know how many friends out there who are thinking of him. I'll be at the hospital again most of tomorrow so even if you can't come by you can call either of our cell phones and say hi. :)

I'll let you know how he is doing tomorrow. :)

2008-08-02T09:01:00.000-07:00

HI All,
James is doing really well. He is asking for Leo. :)

Everything went really well yesterday and today they are thinking that he can go home as soon as he is off of the morphine. They originally told him he would have to stay for at least 5 days but he is doing really well.

I'm headed out to the hospital now. I know he would love to have some visitors so give me a call if you would like to stop by.

Thanks for all of your support. It really means a lot to both of us.

Surgery Tomorrow

2008-07-31T17:43:00.001-07:00

So the surgery will be tomorrow. For those of you who don't know it is for a Chiari Malformation. Check out this site for more info... www.conquerchiari.org/index.htm

We will be at Balboa (Naval Medical Center San Diego) starting at 9am tomorrow and the surgery should start around 10. Mom will be there with me.

We expect James to be in the hospital for 5-7 days and if anyone wants to visit please just call or txt me and I'll let you know the room number and when he is awake.